The Process To Getting Comfortable With Putting Yourself First
Make Yourself A Priority. How many times are we told this and yet it is so difficult for us women to actually do it!
Why do we keep giving, giving and giving to the point of getting exhausted?
Why do we say nothing and agree with things we don’t really agree with until we get furious, resentful or bitter.
Why do we keep ignoring our needs and desires (not to mention dreams) until we feel no excitement in our life and just go through the motions?
What stands in the way? What stops us from putting ourselves first (or if that’s too much for you, at least not last. From At least moving up a bit?)
Usually, there is only one thing there. Just one stumbling block that stops you from starting to live like you really matter.
Oops, I know… But don’t get scared, keep reading.
Making Yourself A Priority & Working Through 3 Big Fears
Fear is the most common stumbling block to choosing self care, and it takes on many different forms.
Let’s have a look at 3 biggest and most common ways it appears and keeps you from making yourself a priority in life.
The first fear is the fear of discomfort.
No one likes discomfort. We actually do our utmost to avoid it at all costs. It’s certainly not comfortable to say ‘no’ to someone who has always heard ‘yes’ from you before. If you suddenly say ‘no’, the other person might respond with some kind of emotion (ranging from surprise to overt anger) and that can feel SO awkward.
Saying ‘yes’ feels so much easier…
Doing something differently, stepping out of your comfort zone, learning new skills feels awkward at the start. ALWAYS. That didn’t stop you from learning how to drive, did it?
Discomfort is one of the greatest saboteurs in our life. It keeps you stuck in your comfort zone. It makes you slip back into old habits. And unfortunately, you often choose to suffer rather than face it.
Learning how to deal with discomfort can be the greatest skill you will ever learn.
The second fear is the fear of conflict.
Do you choose to put up with your mother-in-laws inappropriate jokes or your co-worker leaving dirty coffee mugs all over the place just to avoid confrontation? What’s so scary about confrontation?
Sometimes it’s the belief that conflict is bad that stops you from saying what you think and risking disagreement.
Or maybe you’re afraid to speak up because someone might criticize you. We don’t like being criticized, do we? We want everyone to like us 🙂 Maybe anger (in other people or in yourself) is so scary for you.
Maybe you have learned early in life that conflicts lead nowhere, all it brings is drama and no results. So you prefer to pretend all is OK (but you know it isn’t). You try to convince yourself you are a ‘peacemaker.
But let’s forget for a moment all these stories that you make up in your mind. What is the reality? Stress piles up. Your emotions build up. Relationships are disturbed. The problem is not being solved. You feel worse and worse about yourself and your self-confidence takes a dive.
Oops, not a good place to be in.
Confrontation can actually be a very positive, constructive thing once you learn how to manage it and how to be OK with a bit of discomfort:) It can heal relationships. It can allow for a real connection. And it builds you up – your assertiveness, your confidence and first of all your authenticity. Just try baby steps.
The third fear is the fear of rejection and abandonment.
Who? Me? No way…
This is the one that we try to hide very deep in our belly. The deeper the better. And no wonder we do. It’s so closely connected with all the difficult experiences or traumas from our childhood. But while we do our best to ignore it or pretend it’s not there, it ruins our life from behind the scenes. Without us being even aware of what’s going on.
Let me ask you a question. And really take your time to sit with it.
What is the worst thing that can happen if you put yourself first? What is the worst thing that can happen if you start acting like your needs, desires and dreams are equally important as other people’s needs, desires and dreams?
Isn’t it true, that deep down in your heart, you are afraid people will stop accepting you? Stop loving you? That you will ” die fat and alone and be found three weeks later half-eaten by Alsatians”? (Bridget Jones)
I call it a biggie for a reason. Not because it is so difficult to overcome. But because it is so deeply rooted, so deeply engraved that it feels like part of ourselves. You need a bit of practice (and often a bit of support) to start to notice how it messes up with your self-worth, self-love, self-care…
And you’re are often too scared to look. But as frightening as it can seem to you, try to remember it’s neither rational nor justified. It’s a just a relic of the past!
The Thought Process To Making Yourself A Priority
You see, awareness is the biggest game-changer. Once you choose to stop ignoring, pretending, denying, avoiding and ‘all that stuff’ and choose to have an honest (and courageous) look, you’re halfway there.
So now, when you recognize the 3 fears that lie behind the scenes and keep you stuck to the bottom of the list, there is only one more thing to be done. You need to BEFRIEND them. You need to learn how to be ok with them. They seem like huge monsters as long as you run away from them. When you choose to face them… they often turn out to be tiny, little creatures. But that’s a whole new story…
‘One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find that he can do what he was afraid he couldn’t do’ (Henry Ford).
The moment you learn how to manage these 3 fears, treating yourself like you really matter becomes not only easy but also playful and joyful and fun! Like the most natural thing in the world (as it truly is:)
And then? Well, then… THE FUTURE IS WIDE OPEN.
If you feel like it’s high time for you to put yourself up the list of your priorities – let’s talk. Book a free 30min Discovery Call and I will help you create a clear and simple roadmap from where you are now to where you’d rather be.