Moving Through Change To A Life Your Heart Longs For.
We all have mixed feelings about change. We crave it. We long for it. We complain about feeling stuck. However there will always be one single truth; only you can change your life (and the discomfort of working through the emotions surrounding it is 100% worth it).
Deep inside most of us are terrified of change. Our comfort zone, even if very uncomfortable, feels at least familiar. And for your nervous system ‘familiar’ equals ‘safe’. Even when there is little true safety in it.
You see your nervous system thinks mostly in terms of survival. Thriving always comes second.
So, we tend to overthink, overanalyze and wrestle with this pull and push of change, often for years, unable to make the decision which way we want to go. And yet, not making a decision is a decision in itself – and usually not the best one.
Because it is not very comfortable to look our fears straight into the eye. Quite often we hide behind a few skilfully crafted excuses that make it seem like change is not possible at all, not possible for us personally or not possible right now.
‘There is a turning point. It arrives when we find ourselves quietly hovering inside the realization that the choice is between two pains: the pain of the jump or the pain of the regret” V. Erickson
Let’s explore 3 most common excuses and limiting beliefs. Because only if you know what’s holding you back, you can choose to let go of it.
Only You Can Change Your Life – Look Inward To See What’s Holding You Back
- It’s just life. It’s just me (read: I feel I am incapable of change)
When I was small we used to put sugar in everything – our tea, our coffee, even into our water with lemon. I grew up believing that I love my tea with 2 teaspoons of sugar and that’s just me. That’s how I like it – full stop. Well, it‘s been years now since I drank anything that had sugar in it and the other day I took a sip of my daughter’s tea by mistake. I almost spit it out. It was disgusting! It had 2 teaspoons of sugar in it! I’m sure this appended to you too. More than once probably.
This example might seem like a huge simplification but in truth it isn’t. It works pretty much the same with plenty of our beliefs and habits. We learn thighs, we keep repeating them over and over again, and if we repeat them long enough we start to believe that they define who we are. But do they, really? Are you ‘by nature’ ….
-hard on yourself,
-taking care of everyone around and neglecting yourself,
or… are these just learned behaviors?
What is learned can be unlearned. But if you believe that these habits/beliefs/patterns are who you are it might feel like change is not possible.
This is especially true if you tried a few times to make the change and it didn’t work out. There might be plenty of different reasons why it didn’t work out, but somehow we tend to take it all on board and come out with the conclusion that we are incapable of change.
This is never true. Change is Possible. Always. And not only possible but also happening all the time. Everything is changing. Did you know that all the cells in your body are replaced every 7 -10 years? Most often it takes more effort to keep things the same than to let them evolve and change.
So, maybe it’s time to question some of the beliefs about who you are and what are you capable of.
Is it really what you are like? Or is it what you have learned to be like? Because what is learned can be unlearned.
All you need is a clear intention, effective tools, and the right kind of support.
2. It’s not the right time (read: this change scares me to the bone!)
I’m in a good place right now, let’s not ruin it.
I’m in a bad place right now, I should wait till I feel better.
I’m so busy now, I’d better wait till I have more time.
I feel unmotivated and down, I need to have more energy before I start.
I’ll do it next time.
And so on and so on. You keep waiting for some kind of perfect timing (which of course never comes) and time is passing anyway.
It’s never a good time because it’s not time that you are truly concerned with.
Time and money are our biggest excuses for not making the changes we long to make or at least for putting them off for an unforeseeable future. Real reasons (read: fears) are hiding right behind these excuses.
Fear of leaving your comfort zone? Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear how other people will respond if you make the change? You name it.
Well, these fears won’t miraculously disappear with time. If anything they usually grow stronger the longer you allow them to rule your behavior.
One of the things I hear most often on my free discovery sessions is, ‘why didn’t I decide to talk to you earlier?’I had been thinking about it for 6 month, 10 months, a year…’
I know it is not easy to look your fears straight into the eye and take the risk to make the move when the results do not seem certain.
But what is the price of not making the move and staying right where you are? The longing in your heart is eating you up inside, slowly but surely. It affects your emotional wellbeing, your relationships, your zest for life and, of course, your physical health.
Change doesn’t have to be scary. You can go gently and at your own pace. You can take small steps out of your comfort zone and let it expand gradually. As Chinese proverb says: Do not be not afraid of moving very slowly. Be only afraid of standing still. It’s time to make the move!
3.I don’t have enough resources. (read: am I really worth it?)
This belief usually comes in the form of ‘I don’t have enough money’, but also I don’t have enough time, energy or support. The truth is however, that apart from a few exceptions when we are in the middle of a financial or health crisis, money and other resources are just a matter of priorities.
It’s not that you don’t have enough of them, it’s more that allocating them to other things/people always seems more important (or even necessary) than claiming them for yourself.
The paradox is that in order to fall back in love with YOU, you need to say yes to yourself first and this means investing some time, energy and often money in taking better care of yourself. So, if this is something that feels hard to do for you, it might keep you stuck in wishful thinking (and painful longing for things to change or rage that they aren’t) rather than taking inspired and intentional action.
Just think about it…You probably have no problem investing time, energy and money into taking care of your loved ones, helping your friends or even giving more than 100% to your work. But to do something ‘just for yourself’? So that you can feel better? Live better? Well, that’s a different story, right?
Quite often there’s a lot of resistance or even guilt coming up when we try to do so. If you are used to putting everyone else’s needs before your own – your own well being might not seem like much of a priority.
If this is the case, the best thing is to dive a bit deeper and find out what stops you from putting yourself up the list of your priorities. There are usually big 3 fears hiding there:
- fear of discomfort
- fear of conflict
- fear of rejection and/or abandonment
If any of them seem familiar be sure to read this blog.
Change Your Life Gently With TheWholeYou Method.
Once you realize that your heart is calling you to make the change (and I’m sure you have, if you are reading this) there is no way back. You cannot ‘unrealize’ this. So it’s either staying where you are in the uncomfortable and life-draining longing or listening to it and making a move.
Remember change does not have to be scary. I developed TheWholeYou Method, which is a radical but very gentle approach to make even the most challengeing changes without blood, sweat and tears. So…
‘Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction.’ (Rumi)
And if you want me to run with you for a while, until you feel safe and more confident on your own – let’s talk. Book a free discovery session below: